Annotated letter to a collaborator

Dear <Person who did none of the data processing, analysis, or writing for this project, and only the bare minimum of data collection, but who is listed as the second author on this paper because she threw a hissy fit about it>,

Thank you for finding the time to look over the paper while on vacation.

[If you’d returned your last round of comments to me on time, this wouldn’t be an issue.]

[Also, you seem to be under the impression that I am requesting another round of extensive feedback.  This is not the case.  I neither need nor want additional “help” from you.  All of our other collaborators agree that this paper is ready to be submitted to a journal.  I just need to know if you have any remaining major objections – it should not take that long to figure out, especially since I carefully listed the changes made since the last draft in my earlier email.]

I put a lot of consideration into your comments on the abstract

[I actually did take your comments into careful consideration.  I think you will find that some points are explained more clearly now.  But you keep asking me to add more sentences about the “goal” of the project, and I am not convinced that you actually know what that is.  In fact, that is why is has taken this paper so long to come to fruition – because I had to come up with some kind of context in which these data were actually relevant.  In any case, you have grudgingly admitted that you “respect my way” of writing an abstract, so I’m just going to move on.]

While your suggestion of comparing to a published <PQR> data set is a good one, I don’t believe any such data have been published, except for a small subset in <Researcher> et al. 2007.  I will take a look at their results.

[Know why <PQR> data haven’t been published?  BECAUSE THEY ARE YOUR DATA.  THAT ARE SUPPOSEDLY FOUND IN THE COMPANION PAPER YOU KEEP PROMISING “WILL BE SUBMITTED SOON.”  Although you have been saying that for years, so perhaps I should not be surprised that you have completely forgotten its contents.]

I’ve made my <useful data analysis computer program> available online at my GitHub site, complete with extensive instructions for installation and use.

[And yes, before you ask, I did acknowledge your funding agency, so you can pretend that you did something with their money when you apply for your next grant.  It would probably help your case more if you, you know, did some actual work yourself.]

All the best,

<Crazy Grad Mama>